by Philomene Asteris
-'My husband has an unhealthy love affair with hats... of all things. There are more hats in our dwelling then dwarves in Ironforge! What should I do?'
Dear Against Hats,
If your husband's love of elegant headgear is getting in the way of your marriage (or your path to the front door) you have only one option if you'd like to actually preserve your relationship. If not, feel free to continue stamping your foot and alienating your hat-adoring man. My advice to you, Against Hats, is to buy more hatracks and embrace this quirk; begin wearing hats of your own. Who knows? If he loves hats, and loves you, perhaps it'll spice up your love life.
-'T' brodda A' be workin wit' t'inks mi a 'arpy voiced bitc'. A' t'ink 'im tongue wags too mut'. Can A' cut out 'im tongue wit'out it startin' a war b'tween our tribes? If not... w'at can a sista' do?'
Dear Tonguecutter,
I would advise you to shut your mouth before complaining about someone else's verbal habits. Merely because one speaks does not mean one should do so. Silence has served me well over the years, and it is a habit I continue to practice a great deal of the time. Is it that you believe he speaks too frequently, or that you simply don't like what you're hearing? You might want to consider this before you do anything imprudent. But if all else fails I suppose you could bring a cow's tongue and some nails to your local witch doctor and see if that helps. After all, -your- hands would remain clean this way, yes?
-'I am sick of being judged because of my mixed blood... and even sicker still, watching long ears an' round ears bumping and grinding and making more of my kind. I don't have any question.. only a very loud STOP IT to be announced to all of you idiots who partake in this sort of behavior! Think of the things you will create before procreating outside of your race, and the insults they will suffer for you being unable to keep your legs shut!'
Dear Mixed Blood,
Though you did not have a question I shall be answering you anyway. It occurs to me that if you are so shamed by the prospect of mixed blood, perhaps you should do yourself a favor and contribute to your own nonexistence. After all, nobody wants to hear that sort of wailing. I advise you to take a serious look at yourself before you go blaming your troubles on the barbs of strangers, as it is clear this letter is only a vehicle for your own inner turmoil.
-'I am tired of being asked 'Can you fix my mechano-strider' or, 'Hey! I need a bomb! Make me a few...' or 'Can you repair my chopper? I think something came loose. And I'm tired of being scolded for lecturing people on the matter... how can I stress it to the tallsies without being rude, that just because I'm a Gnome.. doesn't mean I'm a tinkerer..... without setting their toes on fire?'
Dear Gadgetless Gnome,
If you do not wish to immolate those around you (a social gaffe, to be certain, in some circles) you could choose to employ some creativity in the matter: Stop in at Tinker Town and offer to take all the non-working gadgets off the hands of the apprentices. Distribute these to your boorish allies -- I am assuming these are the sort of people who think nothing of treating a gnome as a child merely due to stature, in which case nobody will miss them -- and you might find they will never come asking again, for one reason or another.
-"Say...that perhaps someone had done something stupid. For example, they may have found out they were pregnant eh? And what if, just being hypothetical, they had no idea who the father was. Would you suggest that, if they'd narrowed it down they approach every "donor" on the list? Or maybe they should just wait and see what the brat looks like?"
Dear Baking a Brat,
If you are planning on sending the result of the pregnancy off to the Orphanage, then it doesn't really matter who the father is. But if you are planning on raising this little baggage yourself, then indeed a bit of delicacy is required. Children make excellent leverage later, I have come to understand. If you would like one of the 'donors' involved, however... I would recommend either picking the most likely -- if risky subterfuge is your style -- or approaching all of the men frankly. After all, if you've been going around with so many, likely they know you're a whore anyway and will not judge you too harshly, since they were more than happy to dip their wick in the first place. Do write back and let me know how this turns out!
-"I'm in love with a man who is rich, tall, clever, handsome - and married. He's not faithful to her - I'm his mistress,and I know he loves me more. He's always dropping by to tell me how much he loves me, gives me little gifts, shares the latest news so we can have a laugh - you know, all the things men do when they care. I'd be ten times the wife she is - she's a useless, cloistered, pinchfaced girl who can't even cook, he only married her because she got knocked up. He was GOING to marry ME, I just know it! How do I get him to leave her? I'd appreciate any advice on the subject."
Dear Would-Be Wife,
Why would you want to be the wife? If he is so miserable in his marriage why are you lining up to be the next? Does it occur to you that you are a rather powerful position right now? For you, Would-Be, get the cream without having to skim it from the rest of the day's milking. Not only this, but you are still free to hunt a man who is both richer and taller, since these things seem to appeal to you. But if you are set upon this path, well, all you must do is befriend the wife. And then ruin her socially. Their marriage will surely crumble and he will soon be free to do as he pleases.
