by Philomene Asteris
“I've a friend who really enjoys helping and, sometimes she thinks that the best way to help a person is to be there, and hug and hold and sometimes flowers. Actually... a lot of flowers! But... more and more, she's been yelled at and called some very rude and hurtful things for trying to be helpful! Why is it considered such a faux pas to touch a person? And how can she be helpful without coming across as if she were wanting to 'seduce' a person!? I She really just wants to be true to herself and helpful!"
Dear Hands-On Helper,
It is not merely happenstance that Compassion, of the three chiefest of the Virtues, is considered to be the most difficult to effectively implement. An overabundance of helpfulness can stifle the recipient's ability to move through obstacles on their own, and a dearth of such lends to a rather loveless sort of atmosphere and feelings of isolation. (Or so I've been told.)
If one finds oneself beleaguered with the urge to physically comfort another it would be in this person's best interests to consider how it might be received by the object of such smothering. In this way one can potentially avoid a messy scene. Or being expected to come across, as it were. Unless you're into that sort of thing, in which case I believe the Golden Veil is hiring.
“I lost a loved one in th' War.... not that he's dead or nothin', I just... lost 'im. Well, anyway, he's gone, and he ain't comin' back. Since he went an got hisself lost, it's hard f'r me to remember ta eat and breathe and be sociable. I jus' wanna crawl back inta my tomb and fill it up after me.
I don't want another man. I really don't. But I can't shake this mis'rable feelin'. Why'd he go an' leave me all alone? How do I pick up again an' keep goin'?”
Dear Left In Th' Dust,
From your letter I surmise that you are already dead; my stock advice for these instances involves reminding the person of this fact and urging them to go back into the earth. As this seems to be undesirable to you it appears I shall have to come up with something else (though I do heartily recommend this course of action).
I’ll skip past the obvious question of how, precisely, one loses a person and instead tackle the question of why such a loss would cause you to mope around. So you’re dead and your man’s gone. Things can’t get worse now, really. So you might as well go about the business of unlife and continue on out of sheer spite. Who knows? Perhaps in time you’ll catch the eye of an attractive necromancer. But clattering around in your tomb certainly isn’t going to change anything on its own, so you might as well shamble around looking for a new place to pin your hopes.
“I'm in an awkward situation. My landlady has the hots for me. She's a nice gal - for an orc - but I'm feeling a little pressure to reciprocate. Not only do I not want to get chucked out into the street, but she's got a few burly brothers I don't want mad at me, either! Unfortunately, I have this sinking feeling they'll get mad either way. How can I let her down gently without getting every bone in my (admittedly very handsome) body broken?”
Dear Danged If I Do, Danged if I Don't,
You seem to be at wit’s end, so let me lay out your options plainly. You could:
1) Confront Burly Bros. over a few pints of moonshine and tell them you don’t believe you’re good enough for their sister, but don’t know how to let her down without hurting her feelings. Follow this plea to their fiercely fraternal impulses with a request for aid. After all, they’d be doing their sister a favor and get to feel superior and helpful in the process. If they don’t come around at first, apply the moonshine more liberally.
2) Fake your death.
3) Confront Lovelorn Landlady head-on instead of reading advice columns. You know, like grown menfolk do.
“Why is it when you are below the age of thirty everyone treats you like a child? Even if you have obviously undergone more training than half of them and hold a position that should demand respect? What can I do to make them take me seriously? I already conduct myself honorably and with good sense.”
Dear Under-Aged and Over-Qualified,
You seem to be readily able to expound upon your stellar qualities, but I do not notice listed amongst them a penchant for tact or a habit of patience, both of which would serve you in good stead in this instance. You would do well to remember that training is not a substitute for experience and that if those around you do not treat you with respect, it might have something to do with the fact that you haven’t earned it. I recommend you obtain a mentor immediately. Preferably someone who can knock some more ‘good sense’ into that swollen head of yours.
“I am horribly confused. My beau wasn't involved at the time I met him, yet he and another woman were quite close. As I got closer to him, he and this other woman would speak almost all the time, when he wasn't with me, that is. Well, a few days ago, I found out that they had FEELINGS for each other, and I feel left behind!
What should I do, because I KNOW he loves me, yet I KNOW he loves her! Should I let him go, and look for someone else, or hold on and fight for all I'm worth?”
Dear Horribly Confused,
You sound like it. Please take the opportunity to re-read your missive to me, which is helpfully printed above. Go on; I’ll be here. Finished? Excellent. See how whiny you sound? Perhaps that has something to do with his recent choices. I’d be put off myself by it.
Now to business. You have two options: If he’s spending all his free time with this other woman, looks to me like he’s making his decision. If this is indeed the case, feel free to take a hint. ‘Fighting’ does no good, because as you try to alienate him from her you only serve to cause them to cleave to one another, thus forming ‘them’ and ‘you’. Kicking up a fuss will not only be undignified, but will almost always backfire.
Or you could learn to share him. If all parties are amenable to this arrangement it could be a solution well-worth pursuing. Trust me.
“What's the proper way to thank someone who brings you a gift that's meant solely to get you in trouble? Like, stolen goods, for instance. I don't want to turn her in, she's a friend... well... kind of, except that all she ever seems to do is get me in trouble! EVERY TIME I see her, it's the same thing: She suggests something that sounds totally innocuous, I agree to it, and allovasudden everyone's howling for my head - and then SHE skips off scot-free, and I'm left holding the bag!
Seriously, does she do this on purpose?”
Dear Perpetual Patsy,
You’re a great friend to her, Patsy. You agree with whatever scheme she comes up with and help her to put it into action, and then when things go south you’re always there to take the heat. And in return for your loyalty you receive... what?
Yes, she’s doing this on purpose. Now stop answering the door when she comes over, you goose.
Dear Hands-On Helper,
It is not merely happenstance that Compassion, of the three chiefest of the Virtues, is considered to be the most difficult to effectively implement. An overabundance of helpfulness can stifle the recipient's ability to move through obstacles on their own, and a dearth of such lends to a rather loveless sort of atmosphere and feelings of isolation. (Or so I've been told.)
If one finds oneself beleaguered with the urge to physically comfort another it would be in this person's best interests to consider how it might be received by the object of such smothering. In this way one can potentially avoid a messy scene. Or being expected to come across, as it were. Unless you're into that sort of thing, in which case I believe the Golden Veil is hiring.
---------
“I lost a loved one in th' War.... not that he's dead or nothin', I just... lost 'im. Well, anyway, he's gone, and he ain't comin' back. Since he went an got hisself lost, it's hard f'r me to remember ta eat and breathe and be sociable. I jus' wanna crawl back inta my tomb and fill it up after me.
I don't want another man. I really don't. But I can't shake this mis'rable feelin'. Why'd he go an' leave me all alone? How do I pick up again an' keep goin'?”
Dear Left In Th' Dust,
From your letter I surmise that you are already dead; my stock advice for these instances involves reminding the person of this fact and urging them to go back into the earth. As this seems to be undesirable to you it appears I shall have to come up with something else (though I do heartily recommend this course of action).
I’ll skip past the obvious question of how, precisely, one loses a person and instead tackle the question of why such a loss would cause you to mope around. So you’re dead and your man’s gone. Things can’t get worse now, really. So you might as well go about the business of unlife and continue on out of sheer spite. Who knows? Perhaps in time you’ll catch the eye of an attractive necromancer. But clattering around in your tomb certainly isn’t going to change anything on its own, so you might as well shamble around looking for a new place to pin your hopes.
---------
“I'm in an awkward situation. My landlady has the hots for me. She's a nice gal - for an orc - but I'm feeling a little pressure to reciprocate. Not only do I not want to get chucked out into the street, but she's got a few burly brothers I don't want mad at me, either! Unfortunately, I have this sinking feeling they'll get mad either way. How can I let her down gently without getting every bone in my (admittedly very handsome) body broken?”
Dear Danged If I Do, Danged if I Don't,
You seem to be at wit’s end, so let me lay out your options plainly. You could:
1) Confront Burly Bros. over a few pints of moonshine and tell them you don’t believe you’re good enough for their sister, but don’t know how to let her down without hurting her feelings. Follow this plea to their fiercely fraternal impulses with a request for aid. After all, they’d be doing their sister a favor and get to feel superior and helpful in the process. If they don’t come around at first, apply the moonshine more liberally.
2) Fake your death.
3) Confront Lovelorn Landlady head-on instead of reading advice columns. You know, like grown menfolk do.
---------
“Why is it when you are below the age of thirty everyone treats you like a child? Even if you have obviously undergone more training than half of them and hold a position that should demand respect? What can I do to make them take me seriously? I already conduct myself honorably and with good sense.”
Dear Under-Aged and Over-Qualified,
You seem to be readily able to expound upon your stellar qualities, but I do not notice listed amongst them a penchant for tact or a habit of patience, both of which would serve you in good stead in this instance. You would do well to remember that training is not a substitute for experience and that if those around you do not treat you with respect, it might have something to do with the fact that you haven’t earned it. I recommend you obtain a mentor immediately. Preferably someone who can knock some more ‘good sense’ into that swollen head of yours.
---------
“I am horribly confused. My beau wasn't involved at the time I met him, yet he and another woman were quite close. As I got closer to him, he and this other woman would speak almost all the time, when he wasn't with me, that is. Well, a few days ago, I found out that they had FEELINGS for each other, and I feel left behind!
What should I do, because I KNOW he loves me, yet I KNOW he loves her! Should I let him go, and look for someone else, or hold on and fight for all I'm worth?”
Dear Horribly Confused,
You sound like it. Please take the opportunity to re-read your missive to me, which is helpfully printed above. Go on; I’ll be here. Finished? Excellent. See how whiny you sound? Perhaps that has something to do with his recent choices. I’d be put off myself by it.
Now to business. You have two options: If he’s spending all his free time with this other woman, looks to me like he’s making his decision. If this is indeed the case, feel free to take a hint. ‘Fighting’ does no good, because as you try to alienate him from her you only serve to cause them to cleave to one another, thus forming ‘them’ and ‘you’. Kicking up a fuss will not only be undignified, but will almost always backfire.
Or you could learn to share him. If all parties are amenable to this arrangement it could be a solution well-worth pursuing. Trust me.
--------
“What's the proper way to thank someone who brings you a gift that's meant solely to get you in trouble? Like, stolen goods, for instance. I don't want to turn her in, she's a friend... well... kind of, except that all she ever seems to do is get me in trouble! EVERY TIME I see her, it's the same thing: She suggests something that sounds totally innocuous, I agree to it, and allovasudden everyone's howling for my head - and then SHE skips off scot-free, and I'm left holding the bag!
Seriously, does she do this on purpose?”
Dear Perpetual Patsy,
You’re a great friend to her, Patsy. You agree with whatever scheme she comes up with and help her to put it into action, and then when things go south you’re always there to take the heat. And in return for your loyalty you receive... what?
Yes, she’s doing this on purpose. Now stop answering the door when she comes over, you goose.
