by Philomene Asteris
"I'm a Death Knight. Because I'm a Death Knight, sometimes my skin starts to peel or ooze with rot. Disgusting, I know, but here's my real dilemma: My fine dresses are getting stained and I don't know how to explain the embarrassing splotches or get them cleaned. My wife has tried vinegar and once almost lit the dress on fire in frustration! How can I explain the odd blackish spot on my dress without being.. offensively gross? I like the lighter colors. Black is overused and out of date. Also, do you have any recommendations for Horde-friendly seamstresses? I often find myself jealous of Alliance fashions. - Deathly Disappointed"
Dear Deathly ,
I believe the answer to your first question would be in the cunning use of layering and prints. Just please do not wear plaid -- you will look like one of those annoying gnomish reclining chairs that nobody of a normal height can use and always have far too many buttons on the sides -- although since you seem interested in fashion I am certain I do not have to remind you of this. To explain any oddities or blotches, consider taking up inscription or tinkering as a hobby. Anything on your clothing could then be explained away as ink or grease stains. Better folks think you a bit clumsy in the workshop than speculate on whether you're going to ooze on them at an inopportune moment, yes?
As to the final question, your salvation can be found in Gadgetzan. Whilst goblins must always be haggled down, their keen business insight keeps them on the forefront of the fashion world and I expect you shall find the patterns of your dreams in Tanaris.
---------
"So I'm a father of two children, and all their lives I've been faking my death in the hopes of somehow tracking down their depraved, traitorous mother so that I could avenge all the deaths she's caused. But now, my kids have grown, and my oldest has already discovered his mother's evil ways and gone to confront her! I have no doubt he will fail, and very much needs my help to defeat his witch of a mother. Trouble is, my kids and most of the populace think I'm dead... should I just come out and tell him what I've been doing all these years? I'm concerned they won't be able to accept me, and I certainly don't expect them to forgive a man who has spent their entire childhoods out hunting down a traitor. What advice do you have for me in regards to reconciling and reuniting with my children? -Estranged in Exile"
Dear Strange,
You say you are a father of two children. Sounds to me as if you can claim only to have possessed the seed, as you certainly don't seem to possess the spine to call yourself a father. Harsh words, I know, but they're likely the words your children would say. So start thinking that over now if you do plan on seeking reconciliation.
If you've been trying to avenge yourself on this woman for so long that the children in question are now grown, seems to me that you are good at hiding and poor at revenge, and that perhaps your oldest might have a better shot at it than you recognize.
My advice in regards to reconciling and reuniting with your children is this: Don't. They have made their own lives without you. They probably don't need the 'help' of a man whose priorities are so skewed that instead of simply hiring an assassin he spent the majority of their existence running around like a daft thing trying to be sneaky. Who does it benefit to push in on them now? You. It's as selfish as abandoning in the first place.
"I've conquered the Prince in Karazhan. Defeated a slobbering monstrosity called Gruul. Was completely prepared for Kil'jaeden. Did some fiery dancin' with some dragon and her little boyfriends. Squashed some really big spiders. Travelled back in time to watch one human make a horrible mistake. Finally told Jaina she really should lose some weight. Adopted two children. Married a Knight-Lord of the Blood Knights. Oh.. and um something else, what was it? Oh, set Arthas Menethil, AKA the Lich King on fire. Retired life is a little bit boring. So, uh, what now? I'm a very young, beautiful Sin'dorei who likes to burn things. Any suggestions? - Firestarter"
Dear Firestarter,
I hear there are many books in Silvermoon City but I do not believe it would be a stretch -- judging from the contents of your letter -- to assume that exactly zero of them cover 'how not to be an intolerable braggart'. If retired life is, as you say, boring you, then perhaps you could travel the world in search of humility. It would be the quest that never ended, the (likely) impossible goal, which in my opinion is the perfect thing for a woman of your (very obviously stated) qualifications. And on the way I am sure you would meet many interesting people to set on fire. Or who would like to set you on fire. Either way, it's sure to be interesting!
"Now that all my gifts have been opened I've realized nobody knows how to shop for me! I mean, why would I want four baskets of fruit and not one, but two tickbird hatchlings? How do I get people to buy me better things, like rocket boots or a tour of the Thousand Needles? The things I've been getting are scarcely better than nothing! - Unwrapped and Unimpressed"
Dear Ungrateful,
I would like you to visit Shattrath. Namely, the Orphanage. I would like you to bring your basket of fruit and your tickbird hatchlings with you. Once you are there, attempt to distribute these items without the calming influence of one of the Matrons. Continue reading when you are finished.
Now, did you get absolutely mobbed, and possibly kicked in the knees? This is not because these children do not like you. It is because they value these things so very highly that they would resort to violence to obtain them. Because not only do they lack these simple things, fresh fruit and a pet bird, but they also lack anyone who cares enough to give it to them.
That is the only answer I have for you. Sort that out at your leisure.
"I've fallen for a younger woman, but she seems totally unaware of my advances. How do I make her mine? - A TOTAL WITCH"
Dear Witchy Woman,
I suppose it would not be an Ask Asteris column without a daffy romantical query. Since they seem to be popular I shall answer yours.
Get her attention. Find out in what circles she moves, what she likes, what she needs. Then give it to her. Perhaps she will fall into your arms our bed out of sheer gratitude, if not actual desire. I am guessing from your signature that you are adept in some sort of magical art.
Please do not stoop to attempting compulsion or one of those love spells that can be found for sale in the back of the Kirin Tor Monthly. Not only am I honor-bound to discourage anyone from reading a rival publication, but it's a bit of a rag and those mages with the back-page ads only want your gold. They're the same ones who drive portal prices up, after all.
"I've been meaning to write you for some time, but have been rather busy of late. I run a wine shop in Stormwind, and have recently taken a Draenic woman on as help. She is a fine worker but seems very serious, and I am always walking on eggshells around her for fear that I will do something to offend her "alien" sensibilities. I must confess that even after all these years of the Draenei living among us, I still know next to nothing about Draenic culture, and have a fear of creating an awkward situation with this woman by asking my questions outright. Have you any advice or resources I might find useful?"
Dear Draenically Challenged,
If your employee is as fine a worker as you say she is, perhaps it is time for a vacation. Book a cabin on a ship bound for Azuremyst and take a voyage to the Exodar. You will likely find it a very uplifting and enlightening experience. They even have guided tours of the Vault of Lights!
Upon your return you can speak to her about your trip and then phrase any questions you have about Draenic culture or manners as simple curiosity and a desire to learn more. I believe you will find your employee to not only be grateful, but happy to enlighten you further. Your absence will also serve the purpose of demonstrating your faith in her as an employee, and perhaps further strengthen your working relationship.
